Tuesday, November 21, 2006
dannyboy 3:15 PM
I had a dream last night that I remember really well, to my chagrin. I don't want to detail all of it here in text, because it was disgusting. I'm just glad it was a movie-type dream and I wasn't a main character. It had to do with the French resistance, vomiting, anal bleeding, an unfortunate woman named Anette, a Banana Republic store as representing the abstract concept of commercialism, and ultimately, a statue in honor of Anette's memory.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
dannyboy 8:47 PM
I just remembered that I had a dream wherein I was giving Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeah's some much needed advice about her career.
dannyboy 9:04 AM
I learned a new word today from my spam folder: "sexamasy". That's my favorite kind of spam (if there was such a thing), where I can at least appreciate the creativity put into it, driven by evil as it is. My least favorite kind of spam is where they tell me I've won a set of Rachael Ray cookbooks. Insult + Injury.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
dannyboy 7:02 PM
We buried my grandfather's ashes today. And we went to another buffet.
I've written several times about what I want done to me after I die, and I'd like to amend those instructions right now: NO wake, NO viewing. Don't let them do anything to my body to make it "presentable." Remember me as you remember me, not as a mortician made me up to be. No mopey services, no churches, no graveyards. Obey, or your ass is so haunted.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
dannyboy 11:15 AM
My family loves buffets. I mean they really love buffets. All of them. My grandparents, all my various aunts and uncles, my parents. Every single time we get together, we have to go. They have no idea how much this kills me on the inside. On my personal scale of things that can be ingested (and kept down), I'm not sure there's a whole lot to the left of 'buffet food'. The entire concept of The Buffet is antithetical to the kind of life I labor to live. Troughs of lukewarm, overseasoned, glassy food, prepared by the gallon. And the people, milling about like livestock until the few high-ticket items get replenished. All you can eat, all you can waste.
Yesterday, after the cremation ceremony, we went to what had been my grandfather's favorite buffet. Sigh. The death of a family member should hurt, and this lunch certainly lived up to expectations. Family IS food, and I'm glad I have memories of my family cooking—simple meals that I'd take over any $300 celebrity-chef dinner.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
dannyboy 9:42 AM
It takes about three days for a weakened man in his late eighties to die after you stop feeding him.
And so that's it. He died at 6am this morning. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now. This is effectively the first death in my life.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
dannyboy 9:32 PM
Jessie: I went on a date last night and it was so traumatic it hearkened back to the "got left in the ER" days. it was the worst date evah and it was less than 2 hours!
Jessie: he couldn't take his eyes off my breasts except when he was giving creepy eyes to other women
Jessie: he had obvious anger management issues.
Jessie: at one point he said "my real grandmother was a whore!" but he was seething as he said it
Jessie: he used the table napkin to blow his nose
Jessie: like 5 times
Jessie: and he kept looking at it
Jessie: and then he used it to wipe his mouth and face
me: this is good.
me: this is making me feel really good about myself
Jessie: I almost left when he was in the bathroom
Jessie: like every time he blew his nose he had to examine it
Jessie: EVERY THING he did was repulsive and offensive
Jessie: he started molesting me in the strand bookstore and grabbed my boob and groaned "they're soooooo huuuuuuuge"
Jessie: the second hour was mostly me just hiding from him in the strand bookstore
Jessie: after the huge comment, he was like "I am sooooo horny". I was afraid if I said anything witty or honest that it would engage him, and he would be interested in me.
Jessie: like if I said "You are a repulsive human being and everything you have done tonight has been disgusting and offensive" I would never get rid of him
Jessie: I have been on some awful dates, but this might be the tops
me: YES Ahhh.
me: that is seriously awesome
me: you have no idea how much confidence the men you date give me
Jessie: here's an awful detail, the whole blowing his nose thing happened really early and he had already been there for 1/2 an hour
Jessie: so the napkin was prob already all snotted up
me: why did you even go with him to strand? why didn't you just cut and run
Jessie: I knew he had to be somewhere and it was easier than ditching
Jessie: otherwise he might be interested in me
Jessie: he had this insane amount of internal anger
Jessie: I could have been on some candid camera show
Monday, November 06, 2006
dannyboy 6:38 PM
Jessie: are you going to be here for x-mas?
Jessie: Molly and I are trying to get a mechanical bull for a new years party
me: yeah I need to figure out tickets
Jessie: MECHANICAL BULL
me: I kind of want to wait until after the holidays to go back, but that might be depressing
Jessie: my slutty friends
Jessie: and a mechanical bull?
me: I see.
Jessie: it's like a movie
me: I think I know which one you're talking about.
Friday, November 03, 2006
dannyboy 10:36 AM
mng168: i had a dream i had a baby
mng168: she was cute
dkuo: was she in a little giraffe suit?
dkuo: man I wish adults wore costumes more often
dkuo: I want to be in a bear suit RIGHT NOW
dkuo: but that would be "weird" and "unprofessional"
mng168: i would love to be in costume right now
mng168: i'd be a watermelon
dkuo: I need this suit